Alright. Here goes.
This is a heptagram. It is the symbol of Otherkinism.
Why is this important?
Well, for starters, I am otherkin.
A lot of people think of furries at the first glance of the word, if the meaning is discernable.I am not a furry, or a scalie, actually.
Otherkinism actually refers to individuals who partially or completely identify as non-human. Usually catagorized under otherkin are those identifying as angels, demons, androids, fairies, elves, plants, aliens, etc.
So, what I am trying to say is this- I do not consider myself completely human. In fact, most of the time I feel non-human.
But what do you identify as, exactly?
Well, I’m not exactly sure what I am exactly, but the feelings come closest to a race of aliens found in a rather beautiful and famous piece of hypertext literature. The longest hypertext fiction to ever exist.
I am talking about being what I call ‘trollkin’.
Before you call me a crazy fangirl and unfollow me, allow me to explain.
Yes, I am a huge fan of Homestuck- that is no lie. I religiously will read that as my first option if I am given internet to do so, I love to do roleplay, I am currently working on voice acting, and I am writing a fanfiction and an AU. Hell, I’m listening to ‘Song of Skaia’ right now (although, I’ll be really honest, even if I wasn’t a Homestuck I would listen to Song of Skaia because I am a sucker for Latin).
However, there is a fine line between the want to be a troll and the emotional feeling of it:
1. When I hooked up with my boyfriend, I referred to the type of love I felt as ‘motherly-sisterly love’. I recently am reflecting this and I have discovered that such a feeling is synonymous to me with pity.
2. I have hated cosmically before and it felt fantastic when I finally embarrassed that individual for making fun of me all those years ago. Call it sadistic, but when you tell someone that you are unable to easily drag yourself away from an obsession because you have a pervasive developmental disorder, and that he practically left you for being autistic, you better believe he should feel a little bad.
3. I am a bit of a pale whore and I don’t ever EVER mean to be. EVER. PERIOD. I hate having Aspergers Syndrome- you can never tell people that you want to platonically cuddle and I just want to shoosh pap the entire damn world because there are too many people that need care.
4. I feel auspisticism, and let me tell you that OH GOD IT IS A CLUSTERFUCK. I don’t normally understand how to deal with any of these emotions so I usually isolate myself.
5. WH, of you are reading this, and see point #3, you are still my moirail. I just suck at being there for one person and I try to help everyone. O///O Sorry about that. <><><><><><><><><>
6. I didn’t realize any of this until the first convention where I cosplayed as my troll OC. Sam did an impeccable job on the leg makeup (I had stockings on, okay? Good). I wanted to leave the makeup on but I didn’t.
7. I was getting off topic there. Again. Anyway, one of the most interesting things is I can’t easily handle it when multiple people have breakdowns or there is miscommunication- I feel a strange blend of despair and rancor and neglect. It isn’t that people are ignoring me- even when I am paid attention to I still feel alone.
Most of this stuff I am open to having friendly discussions about, mostly because I feel that it would help satisfy thirsty questions and would aide my self esteem. My boyfriend has a hard time dealing with being called a girl (he is gender nonconforming and I love him all the same), he and I both understand each other in respect to our identities.
It isn’t easy to feel like this. Normally I’m quite comfortable with my body, but somedays I look at myself and sigh. I told Sam that if I went to a con, I was bringing some sort of grey body paint with me.
I guess you could say this has been my BIG announcement, but I’d also like to invite you to ask about questions, as maintaining communication means mutual understanding, and I’d like to be understood very much (it doesn’t come often, even before these feelings were better identified).
So, with that, I bid you to ask away!
Thanks for reading this whole thing. It means a lot to me! ^-^